I have to tell you a secret. I have the photo that is going to rock the world. You think Area 51 is big? You just wait.
I have taken the photo that will once and for all prove the existence of Bigfoot. And, to be honest, it was a whole lot easier to get than I ever dreamed.
First, let me tell you that I can believe in a lot of things, including the aliens, Santa Claus (because I am him … for real) and the Loch Ness Monster, but I have never been a believer in Sasquatch – or Bigfoot, as we Texans call it. In this day and age of satellites and thermal imaging … nope, just can’t believe we haven’t seen him.
That is until today when I totally saw him.
Don’t laugh. I swear, he was standing there on a hill outside of my hometown trying to impersonate a mesquite tree. He didn’t move a single hair as I slammed on the brakes, pulled the HTV over on the side of the road, whipped out my camera and snapped a few photos. Admittedly, I was using my cell phone, but the photo is only a little blurry … but way more clear than any of the other supposed sightings that my brother, Bodeen, swears by. I’m a professional, you know.
Here’s the thing, though. As a reporter, I have never been driven to prove that Bigfoot lives. She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Made-Mad forbade me from believing in myths … which explains why she made me quit covering the Cowboys all those years ago when I told her we might win a Super Bowl. I hate to admit it, but she’s been right for the last 20 years or so … Man, I hate it when she’s right.
Just a few days ago, Bodeen came over and was attempting to tell me about the TV show he was watching about finding Sasquatch. Bodeen, you see, is a believer. As he was telling me of how people have seen Bigfoot, his eyes were getting wide, his breathing was becoming quick.
“You know, that ain’t real,” I told him.
“Dude, I saw it on TV. I think I’ve even seen one in real life. I’m telling you, there are things out there that no one can explain.”
I have to give him credit for that. No one has explained the reason for my sister-in-law. Maybe she is an alien, or spent too much time under water without oxygen while looking for Loch Ness. That would explain a lot …
“Bodeen,” I said. “As many rednecks and meth-makers as there are in the woods nowadays, someone would have been able to see one by now. It ain’t real, man.”
Bodeen rolled his eyes. “One of these days, you are going to be surprised,” he muttered.
I’m not saying it was karma or anything like that, but on Monday as I was driving to Oklahoma, I saw him – plain as day (or early morning.). He was ditty-bopping across a hill like he owned the place.
I know, you’re sitting there and saying I dreamed all of this while I was half asleep, but I swear on a stack of Sports Illustrated magazines, I wasn’t too asleep. In fact, in addition to taking his photo, I even talked with him (He sounds like Mike Tyson with a lot of hair in his mouth).
I called Bodeen and told him I had just met Bigfoot. He called me a non-humorous, low-down dirty embellisher of the English language. Can you believe it? The guy that believes in Bigfoot told the guy that doesn’t he didn’t see the beast.
But I did. I must tell you, he is very smart and quite curious. As we were conversating on how he can run around with no shoes in the sticker capital of the world, he wanted to know about my camera. After a few minutes, he even figured out how to use it.
“He took my photo,” I told my brother.”
“Momma said you will go to Hades if you tell lies,” Bodeen retorted.
I guess I should have expected Bodeen’s reaction. To be honest, if someone had told me they had seen Bigfoot, I wouldn’t believe them either. I know all of you out there are thinking I have been hit too hard by SWMNBMM, but it’s true.
In fact, I am reprinting the photo I took … and the photo Bigfoot took.
By God, I’m going to be so famous … I might even be on that show Bodeen likes to watch.
Tommy Wells is the editor of The Skagway News. Everything in this column is true, except for the parts that are fabricated, made up, or are just plain lies.
Comments 0